Vile Personality. Bitter about nothing. Is it the jealousy, is it your insecurity? Its a sad fact that I would never be friends with you in real life if you weren't related to me. Its a sad fact that I am much closer to people who I share no blood with. Our bond as friends, and the things I know about them greatly surpasses the fragile relationship I have with you. I rarely call you becasue all you do is work. You have no passions in life, no inner desire or burning flame. It makes me sad that all you care about is money and it serves as the foundation for a lot of your arguments. I can't believe how rude you are to your parents. Why would you envy me? I'm a good 10 years younger than you. Are you upset about my success?
I can't figure you out. And you're at that age where all your friends are married and have kids. Or at least they've been in a few relationships. What do you have to show for yourself? A measly 401k and a couple of stocks? Really? You're off the handle becasue you don't understand. Its a sad fact that I know you wouldn't hesitate to put the law between us; you would sue someone in a heartbeat. Is it worth it? Do you realize how petty you are? Do you realize that you do in fact hold a grudge. You've been holding this grudge for a very long time. It sits like a festering wound at the base of your mind. And you let that get in the way of the rest of your life. I Don't Undserstand You, And I Am Afraid I Never Will
There are moments when I just need to cry. And there’s nothing that makes me upset in particular. I start thinking about life, what I’m thankful for, what I wish would change, and I let myself have a good cry. Maybe I find some reason to justify it. But I have to let go of the energy, as it becomes another emotion I need to release. I rarely cry for any reason, so I just let myself have that moment whenever it comes. Fortunately though, I feel a greater connection to myself after I let it all out. Ain’t life funny?
I recently received the news that I did not get the internship position that I so desperately wanted. It would have provided me the great opportunity to travel to another state, the big apple to be more exact, and get a taste of the real corporate world. Maybe they thought I was too good for the position. That I had a job now and they should give it so someone more "deserving". I shrug my shoulders and I ask God why sometimes. I have been so fortunate in the past, I get upset, but I have to remember that I can't get it all. Maybe He is keeping me from some dangers that would've come from traveling, some nasty personalities, or a horrible situation. I'll never know, but I know that He is guiding me in the right direction. I feel as though I am to fault for all the bad karma I put out there, from alienating certain people and not always telling the truth to others. I guess this is where I need to improve.
Maybe there's a better situation in which I can apply myself, and this in turn get me to where I need to go. I would be lying to say if I wasn't worried. I really need an internship; it remains the only uncertainty I have in order to graduate. Here's when I get that cliche advice about the door and windows closing and all that jazz. Its hard to remain so optimistic, but I need to remember to count my blessings. And when all is said and done, everything does happen for a reason, even if I don't know it yet.
So that marks pretty much the end of my year and even though this Christmas hit a low note, I'm going into 2011 with a renewed spirit. (There's a guy I'm talking to and things seem to be going positively with him, I'm excited for what the future holds for the two of us together)
What a difference a year makes. This time last year, I was courting after someone who wasn’t quite my match. While still remaining acquaintances through common association of going to the same high school, there was no relationship connection. Now, I find myself looking over his forgotten Facebook page with messages that read “miss you”, “love ya roomie” and “come back! I miss being poked”. Today he is in Basic Training in the Air Force. Today he is probably working on something that has no connection to his home. And today, he is most definitely not thinking about me.
When I walked home from a friend’s apartment last night, and on many occasions when I walk solo in the dark, I can’t help but think of what little time I spent with him. I genuinely enjoy the nighttime on campus. There’s a different sense of energy that flows amongst the streetlights and cars. In these nights, my only company is my IPod that plays music from the latest Kings of Leon album. I pass certain buildings and look for secret hide-out spots and think in hindsight of what could have been. What could’ve changed. What could’ve gone differently if say I had a car or the freedom of unlimited texting. The time we spent together, though, influences my decisions to this very day. And he may never know that for as long as into the future. He may never know I developed a major crush on him in high school when we had class together. He was a flirty type of person, and I expected him to show a lot of different girls’ attention. It’s just that I never imagined that one day it would be me with his undivided attention. The moments we spent together, however few are just that…moments. One of my favorites was the night we went to go see “The Princess Bride” at the Student Life Cinema. After we went to a 2 am run to Mickey D’s and headed back to my room, I learned a little bit of long boarding while suffering from his desire to catch me off guard to kiss and tickle me. I even like the moments we spent together on Friday, April 30, 2009 in the basement of my dorm, watching the movie “Must Love Dogs”. The only reason why I remember this exact date is because it was the very last day I spent on campus as a freshman. The next morning, I would be heading back home as he stayed up in the city to take summer classes. We almost acted like we were in a relationship, the good parts nonetheless. Enjoying each other’s company. Running around empty classroom buildings ten o’clock at night, chasing each other playing tag, in that childish sort of way. Holding each other looking over College Avenue from a distance as partygoers went by. Warm embraces aside, and much to my dismay, I look deeper into the event then what actually occurred. This would be the last time I would see him.
Now I look back, like I do often, with a varied perspective. He’s in Texas. And now that I think about it, he was from Texas before he moved to town in seventh grade when I got to know him. He was a skateboarder. Glasses. I have an soft spot for glasses. I think they’re sexy in that nerdy way, even though I’m shallow enough to consider it a flaw since it means weak vision genes. Lame, I know, these inner conflicts consume my all-too-precious time. Played lacrosse and ran for fun. These minor surface details that you could pull from a Facebook profile is only the depth at which I knew him. That was all I was going to get. This summer, I am staying up for classes for the first time. I’m taking a full course load, and in order not to think about him or anyone for that matter, I remain to keep myself busy with school work. Fully believing, that if I focus on the task at hand and alienate my friends or any social life for that matter, I won’t have to think about the things like a “summer romance”. I will not put my energy towards anything of that matter because mentally “I don’t want to go there”.
In the eyes of my best friend, a year’s difference has been good for her. This time last year, she had a brief three month liaison with a guy she met at a night club. I stayed with her and listened as she poured her heart out about her worries for the future at any relationship. They never amounted to anything past a few intimate dates and a good time. He was very attractive in that superficial way, and how you say “easy on the eyes”. She was the first person I went to after “he” took it a little too far that Friday night on April 30th.
Now, a year later, after hours we spent on the phone, talking to each other as our cell phone batteries died she has her first official boyfriend and is no longer a card member of the V-club. Honestly, I thought it wouldn’t happen so fast, but a year has definitely made the difference. We talked, as most girls do about her “first time”. It hurt, she cried, and felt overwhelmed. Her boyfriend, just from hearing is a very down-to earth guy, and I can’t wish her anymore happiness. I love her to bits and pieces. I wish I was there to comfort her and give her a hug, and be the moral support that distance cannot provide. But for right now, we’ll just have to deal with the benefits of technology through phone calls and Facebook.
So the school year is almost over. I head home in three days, only to return five days later to take those summer classes. I move on to new people and a new place. There’s always something to be learned at the end of every semester.
We look back at this year and what do we have to show for it? Newly formed relationships, fizzled relationships. Deals, steals and rolling on wheels. So much to be grateful for, life comes so quickly. A bright future to look forward too. Hopes, Dreams and Fears. Those you appreciate, and those you'd like to get rid of. My journey has just begun, I better start taking my own advice. The "internal relations" are making me sick, the people I'm supposed to be closest too are getting on my last possible nerve. Blame on the holidays, blame it on something other than me. They don't understand in the slightest realm. My resolutions have been kept, more amazing then I imagined. Formed from these goals was a greater advantage then just completing a task. So many things have enlightened me this past year. You live and learn, you observe, you experience, you move on. Selective memories jump out at me in positive and negative ways. All this rhetorical talk must be confusing to anyone who's not in my mind. Let's keep it that way. See you in the new year, xoxo Cullenlovin08
Climb ev'ry mountain, Search high and low, Follow ev'ry by-way, Every path you know
I just wanna be in LOVE. That is not too much to ask. In fact, it's not even a question. It is definitely my very near future. Tonight I walk home from a meeting, in solo, but that is soon to change. I watch as the overt and milky white moon shines low in the horizon. This luna, this very luna shines with the complexity of the sun at night. Bright, off-white, and full of light. My future, my very near future is as bright and full of love as that moon.
Well dang, no entries for the month of September. I was hoping for at least an entry every other week. But hey, life happens. So here's the window to my brain. This was going to be an entry for September, but looks like I couldn't make it in time. Ooooo, well. Here's my recollection from a thought during my philosophy class.
Monday September 28th, 2009 * Sometime During Philosophy Class
To self: "I don't know what I want. What is it that would make me happy? When I was younger and lanky, I wished so desperately that my body would fill out. Now as I gain more weight, I find myself wishing for my former lanky self" I think I'm coming to these thoughts because of my lanky friend who seems to attract them all because she is so obviously different body-type wise. "Yes, it's easy to say to be satisfied with what you have. What about the guys? What do they want? I feel myself asking all of the questions and never fully getting the answer." A right one, is such a thing exists. I've always loved my body. But what am I doing with it? I feel (felt, now) physically low and I need to find my way out of the tunnel."
So now I think, be honest with yourself, just in case you weren't doing that already. You are, as Jason Mraz puts it best - A Beautiful Mess. Did he write this song for me? Sure sounds like it:
You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is
Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are
Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging
And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are
Here we are [x7]
We're still here
What a beautiful mess, this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"
Through, timeless words and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we, tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today. Oh the wait was so worth it.
So, yes I have my flaws, but Jason makes me feel better after listening to this. Oh how I love him so.
It’s funny how inspiration can hit in the most spontaneous of places. Taking a bus ride home from work I spotted a Q-dog doing some chick recruitment-my assumption is that it’s to their next social, and all of the new pledges have to get a certain number of chicks to come. Now I won’t lie and say that not getting invited didn’t hurt my ego. But then let’s remember I was wearing my headphones and I was reading off to the side of a large group. Basically unapproachable I guess. But hey, I’m content with it. Anyways, seeing this guy inviting chicks by basically slipping by these little purple flyers, chatting them up at the bus stop and on the bus. It was actually amusing to watch. Haha my sense of humor is a little off-kilter and sickly. But anyways to my left of the Union bus stop, I got a great visual of an intro to a story I’m considering writing. About the fraternity life of guys and the pressures brought on by their pledge week. We always hear about the girls, so what about the guys? What do guys have to do in this social dimension to get the “in”.
“The not-so-patient students waited as the bus stop swaying from left to right like willow trees in a rain storm. The clouds were an omnipresent grey and white mixture, the impending future of rain was inevitable. People texted away as I spotted more than twenty heads looking around for this overly late bus”
My version of an online journal/blog/soapbox rolled into one. Only recently have I started publishing my entries online, so sit back, relax, and enjoy! P.S. I would LOVE any feedback you have for me as a writer. As of right now, I'm just writing for personal experience, but if you have any advice for me, I would gladly appreciate. Thanks Again
