Playing Passionately

I maintained a long-term “only child” status at eight years old after my sister left for college in the fall. It all made sense to me at that very moment. My sister was almost a decade older than me and I faced head on the trait of independence. This could possibly explain why I always didn’t mind taking care of others; while never wanting to be taken care of myself. Contradictory, I was still that little girl inside who refused to grow up and confront the fact that I was the younger of two and the baby of the family. I lived in my own world with no one around the same age except for my friends in school, so there was a lot of time for self reflection and growing up.

“Oh you’re such a good person to talk to. You give the best advice. I really enjoy our conversations.” I had heard it all. And it’s not the fact that I didn’t like the compliment to my character. It’s just the fact that I was still looking, longing, to find that one person, that one very good friend, or extraordinary significant other in which I could spill and vent, and know that the other person on the line was listening. I longed for that open ear, that shoulder to cry on. It was often and unspoken fact that I wore the mask of strength.

So I see my aura as that of an optimistic dreamer, a positive spirit, and always supportive of my friends. I live in my own little version of the world in my head and secretly love the geeky side to any character. Music is also my love along with dancing. Those two interwove hand-in-hand, and if I tried hard enough, I could probably choreograph a routine that ran a total time of, oh, say 30 minutes. A mass of self-reflection would be an understatement. A ballpark guesstimate would be that I’ve spent more time reflecting off of life’s water than actually sleeping or eating, combined. Under the surface lied a great deal of soul searching results over a handful of emotionally damaging events. I’d like to believe I’m very perceptive in her ways; from the way people treat each other, the tone of voice, and the things they say. All of this was absorbed and yet ricocheted back into the atmospheric universe.

Those silly online quizzes almost got me down to a T. These came close to hitting some of the characteristics lying in my personality. Loves to enjoy life. True. Great sense of humor. True. Totally active and restless. True and True. Hasty decision maker, brainy and clever. There was one result that, the moment I read it, struck me to her core in a superficial sort-of way. It was the question of “What Kind of Mask Do You Wear?” In it the results read as so: “Your mask is strength. You try hard to fend for yourself. You do not let others do things for you. You often need to be in control of a situation, even if you can't handle it alone. You are always putting on a front, even if you don't feel strong at all. You don't let others see you when you're vulnerable, because you barely let yourself be. Despite your flaws of always trying to act strong, you are a strong person, with strong character that can do anything you put your mind to. A lot of the times you really don't need anyone, and are perfectly capable on your own. However, there are times you find yourself wanting to let someone in but are not really sure how to.” Independent to a fault. Valuable in some senses, a flaw in other lights.

©2009